The beforemath of the holiday is nearly over - lists are written, maps bought and euros acquired. We're off to France for two weeks tomorrow! I'll try to post but I'm not sure if I'll feel like it. Mel is going to do lots of swimming and an hour's yoga every day, and I'm hoping to break the back of my music essay if the pool and the wine permit. Zoe can concentrate on finishing Potter 5 and Jake is taking his YuGiOh deck and a vast supersoaker.
The plan to expose the chldn to better quality (i.e. older) music in the car has not wholly succeeded and they squawk for the radio stations that play the nastiest music as soon as the wheels are rolling. At least in France the choice will be different and I refuse to despair - I can't imagine that the nation that gave us Ravel, Proust and Piaf would tolerate Blazin' Squad coming out of their radios.
Sometimes it feels as though I am fighting a lone battle against falling standards. Never mind A Levels, they don't even make toothbrushes hard enough these days.
The modern world can be such a strange, contradictory place - the Orange shop doesn't sell oranges and ‘100% recycled material’ stickers appear on paper handkerchiefs when they clearly should be on pop records too.
Curious and baffling, rather like when my English teacher accused me of lacking insight.
I have been meaning to construct a blog links section but the time and the html have evaded me so far. I have also found very few that I could heartily recommend. My criteria include no swearing, passable spelling and at least some punctuation. One that definitely qualifies is arpeggio and I commend it to you.
Yesterday I managed a quick glance at the names on offer in various lists while I waited for the alarm man. In what may become a regular feature here is a short review of the blogs I noticed. I'm a bit pushed for time so this first edition will necessarily be a little superficial.
What Jonathan saw, thought and felt today. (http://jonathanpc.blogspot.com/)
Ambitious, which as ever I applaud, but the entries were a little shorter than I had been led to expect.
I hate you, go away.(http://inn0cenceagain.blogspot.com/)
Short, unambiguous, mutual.
i write for me, not for YOU. (http://f0ckyo0.blogspot.com/)
Understood - won't bother you again. You did put it up on the net though. Wouldn't a typewriter be less bother?
Musical Genius. (http://musicalgenius.blogspot.com)
Absolutely fantastic name, and I'm surprised it hadn't been taken already. Early days I suspect, but so far it's the perfect site for those in awe of the great musical genius of Michael Jackson and Justin Timberlake.
Call Center In India. (http://callcenterinindia.blogspot.com/)
Pick of the Day. For clarity, directness and complete absence of bad language.
pm.
Zoe has been putting the holiday to good use and has just finished her first feature length film treatment, entitled “Blackie”. It's full of the spirit of Hollywood and is a bit like Stuart Little 2 but with the realism toned down. All the parts about being true to yourself, striving to reach your goals and being loyal to your friends are present and correct but I have told her that it is a tad unlikely that a dog would ever become President of the USA.
She looked a bit glum after that. So although I do want it to be her project, I did suggest some small concessions to reality namely;
1) make it clearer that Dog was not an independent candidate but a nominee of one of the major parties;
2) this would be more likely if Dog was male and white.
I think I made my case because last time I looked the folder was titled “Snowy”.
We had our first house detox since the move tonight. Not as thoroughgoing as it might have been, but I felt the principle was worth establishing. Jake seems to think that if God had meant us to use shelves then he wouldn't have given us floors, so I took both him and Zoe to his room and explained what the process was supposed to achieve.
I led by example as ever, throwing out the last of my bachelor jumpers and all the paperbacks I had bought for train journeys more than 7 yrs ago. Zoe rearranged the books in her bookshelves in alphabetical order and emptied her pencil sharpeners. M reunited all the shoes in her wardrobe into their correct pairs (8 mins) then decided to sort out our stash of undated holiday photos (2 hrs 23 mins: abandoned). Jake got the idea a bit better; he tried to throw away his school uniform.
Overall child rearing still feels like a privilege to me. M however feels pressure to be the perfect parent v keenly and I think this is probably the source of the stress she seems able to conjure out of thin air. That and the constant effort of foreseeing and defending against terrible accidents that might befall the chldn throughout the day. Her imagination is so vivid that at times I wonder what exactly is in some of those teas she drinks.
I have taken the morning off to wait in for the burglar alarm maintenance visit - Mel being more pushed at work than me for once - which gives me a chance to catch up with all the feedback that's been coming in.
Thank you for all your emails - it is humbling to have a global audience. I will try to reply to all of you personally but our holiday looms and time does not allow me more than a general reply for the moment. By far the largest postbag concerns my comments of 1 July 2003 re ‘Rockers talk philosophy to a Journalist’. I apologise for any offence given. For the avoidance of future doubt let me state the following:
1. I have nothing against Australians. They are no strangers to excellence, particularly in the field of Rugby League. However in this individual's case perhaps it would be more fitting to clear up the base camps of culture - like the spelling of Gaultier for instance - before pressing on to attempt the summit of any philosophical Everests.
2. I admire Americans, who are good at many things. They particularly excel at ‘independence’ and have a strong claim to have redefined the word - at least in as far as it means ‘being ruled by Americans’. They even started a war for it in 1775. The more recent War of Iraqi Independence of 2003 proves that the ideal lives on.
As for heavy rock, which seems to be the special field of the interviewees, but little of that expertise was covered in the article. Instead we were given philosophy, where their achievements would seem less enduring.
I hope that clears a few things up.
A taster paragraph has just been released exclusively to favoured critics as part of the advance publicity for the launch of Potter 6. I am proud to be able to bring it to you via my extensive contacts on the web.
“Let's sneak somewhere unobserved tonight,” said Ron thickly. “Yeah,” said Harry dully, the anger rising within him again. “I don't think we should,” said Hermione in a low, hollow voice.“Hoot!” hooted Hedwig dolefully and slightly cinematically.
Snape came sweeping down on them.
“Five points from Gryffindor,” he sneered pointsdeductingly, turning on his heel.
“Nearly done,” thought JK, richly.
(Actually that last line was mine.)
Mel's been complaining she can't sleep, which isn't strictly true when it comes to watching Newsnight. The only sure fire way I have found to help is to get amorous, which instantly sends her into a deep and dreamless sleep that the little town of Bethlehem would be proud of.
She has just started on another selection of herbal teas she ordered on the net. It proudly said ‘Trial Pack’ on the outside, clear evidence that it was starting as it meant to continue. 'Ordeal' might have been more honest.
Slow progress with the Potter. Partly lack of ‘hands on’ page time but also lack of will. The desperately/dully flood appears to have peaked on p 217 with the phrase ‘desperately dull’. Now all the teachers are ‘sweeping down’ and everyone seems to be turning on their heel.
I was shocked to be told today that caring modern parents should teach their children to fail. Apparently it's true. !. That seems to strike at the very heart of the drive for excellence that underpins our prosperity. And quite apart from ‘why’ I ask ‘how’? Do we teach them to fail by example? Or if we cannot get the message across is that failure enough? I never approved of handing out sweets at parties to sad little tots who couldn't concentrate while playing Musical Statues, and if we want a world class economy then surely nobody should.
The extra space the move has brought has finally rid us of the ‘Spare Room of Dorian Gray’ that haunted our last house. We are resolved not to allow a build up of sins like that again, and our new regime will include a regular house detox. The first is scheduled for tomorrow night.
Did a little more Potter this morning. The pace seems to be flagging, mostly because everything is recapped all the time. And from previous chapters too, not just from the previous books. (I was paying attention actually, JK.) In soap operas I believe they call it ‘laying pipe’. At this rate Potter 7 is going to need a crane to lift.
Had fun with the description on p 237 para 2 though. How can an expression be both ‘confused’ and ‘defiant’? I got the chldn on to it and they passed a happy half hour trying in front of the bathroom mirror.
After all that banter on the pavement we finally went over to the Butterworths for Sun lunch today. Jake and Spencer B played football in the garden - I couldn't resist joining in, and scored several memorable goals. Spencer takes his fun v seriously, somewhere on the competitive side of ruthless. Unfortunately Jake doesn't seem to like him. Vicky B then served a superb meal with wonderful wines while Alan kept us entertained with stories of his foreign business trips, complete with pics from his laptop displayed on a huge screen. He then demonstrated his iBru, the world's first web-compatible workstation/coffee maker.
I think we are v different types of people. I have always valued culture above technology, believing as I do that it serves a deeper need. He, however, has no such protection against seduction by every new gadget. The only thing he seems to like more than a gadget is a good argument.
The foxes don't seem to mind the lion poo we painted round the garden at all. In fact it merely seems to encourage them to contribute likewise. Mel won't use chemical repellents so she has bought an ultrasonic thing-on-a-stick which claims to discourage foxes and even cats from using our property as a toilet. So far it seems to work pretty well and it's at least as effective as me running outside and shouting at them.
In the bath tonight Zoe said she wanted one of those gap years she had heard about and I was delighted. I was about to praise her for her foresight and maturity when she rather spoiled the effect by saying that she would really prefer a Prada year, given the choice.
V busy week for me, I meant to post last night but I got in late and had just about enough energy to watch the Open golf highlights. I was not too tired to feel that ‘Money for Nothing’ should really have been written about professional golfers.
The antioxidants in the elderberries seem to be helping Mel's stress, but it may just be a coincidence as she started using a new gingko shower gel this week. My O Level chemistry came back to me and I wondered whether the antioxidants might also help the scratches on the car, but there's no change yet and the juice just seems to attract dust.
The chldn asked me about global warming again this morning. More specifically they asked what I was doing to stop it. I pointed out that we had cut our carbon emissions since Mummy abandoned her rather smoky attempts to make biscuits, but they looked unconvinced, perhaps sensing we could do more. So we conducted a rigourous environmental audit.
I'm pleased to say that we came out pretty well. Just in terms of the number of bottles we have recycled we probably deserve a medal. We've never thrown away those spoons that come with the chldn's medicine, none of our pencil sharpeners are battery powered and we have persisted with the long life lightbulbs even after it became clear that they don't give out much light. All this and the sun-dried tomatoes must put us firmly in the environmental black.
They have both been full of questions lately but so far are avoiding the subject of sex, being still at an age where it is more embarrassing to them than it is to us. They suspect a strong causal link between kissing and marrying, but the recent TV season of James Bond films has sowed some doubts on this score.
I have always devoted a great deal of energy to assuaging their curiosity and I'm a firm believer in leading them to understanding through a process of question and answer. I think this is why I've come to think of Bob Dylan as a bit overrated, asking 'how many roads?' etc when he didn't seem able to provide an answer himself. He would have made a rotten parent with an approach like that.
Getting food into Zoe is not proving any easier, and there is still more protein in her shampoo than in her diet. Lunch today was like our own version of The Princess and the Pea, but it wasn't a bed it was a bowl of rice and it wasn't a pea it was two tiny slivers of honey roast ham.
Grabbed some Potter time in the bath this morning, but I have to say it's beginning to wear off on me. Apart from the thumb ache from just holding the thing it's getting a bit samey. Lack of adverbs in the Rowling locker, I feel. I'm only a hundred or so pages in but people seem to say things ‘dully’ or ‘desperately’ rather too often for me.
Lovely weather so we spent most of the day in the garden. I read the papers while Jake told me about the latest YuGiOh cards he has acquired. Rather less than half an ear suffices on these occasions I've found. Mel worked all day wearing the black hat like the one that was too big for Ant in the first Ant and Bee book. I left her to it. The only time I can lay claim to green fingers is when I've been putting squirty sun block on the chldn.
For me, sadly, good weather is now not the carefree pleasure it once was, and I am forced to wonder how many of the degrees we are currently enjoying are traditional and how many are extra on the top. We've always felt that we hold the planet in trust for our chldn but global warming has implications for us all now. Our water used to go through five people before we drank it, but now during the spring rains it has frequently been through several living rooms in the Berkshire area as well.
Anyway the Pimms cheered us (well, me) up a good deal. It also makes it easier to keep up with the fruit and veg intake, particularly cucumber, which I'm sure I would otherwise avoid.
It's a mad world. I wish I'd coined that phrase because it sums up so much. As if Big Brovaz shock and awe destruction of ‘Favourite Things’ wasn't enough, now Christina Aguilera thinks she can cut it as a rocker. “I'm not going to change” she says. Hmm. Her latest video is a dizzying parade of rock staples including creepy crawlies and tight stripey trousers. During the guitary bits she even runs around a deserted gothic interior throwing things, with eye-liner like Ozzy Osbourne and looking about as bonkers. No, I'm not making this up. Really.
Even the chldn feel something is not quite right. They've come up with their own version of ‘Fighter’ which they premiered in the bath this evening. I quote:
Makes my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much stronger
Thanks for making me a
Builder.
Shouldn't there be another apostrophe after the n in Fruit 'n Fibre?
The Potter race continues...
The school concert was tonight, always a trying time for a music lover like myself. Zoe was in the Junior Wind Ensemble and played delightfully, untroubled by the incompetence of others nearby. Jake wasn't on the bill and sat listening in a deep sulk because he was missing Robot Wars. He put his hands over his ears every time we all clapped. I think he generally had it the wrong way round as most of the applause was a good deal more enjoyable than the music.
The school reports appeared this week and were both pretty good - a satisfying vindication of our policy of close involvement. I do find the marking system rather confusing though, and I never quite know if a 2 is higher or lower than a 3. Are they like burns or like murders? In my day it was a lot easier with those little sticky stars.
The struggle to get food into Zoe continues. She would gobble down tuna aged two but not now apparently. I assured her that it was dolphin friendly but she retorted that “it wasn't exactly tuna friendly was it?” She thought recently that she would like to be a vegetarian, until Mel pointed out to her that if she was then she would have to eat vegetables. I think she would qualify as a Pastafarian, but she says that she so would not.
She will eat yoghurt though, provided it has enough familiar TV characters dancing all over the outside. When we were young how did we ever get through our meals with so little visual stimulation? Full marks though to whoever realised it was smarter to use yoghurt to sell advertising than to use advertising to sell yoghurt.
I wish Jake would eat something that was actually food shaped. I tried to vary his diet by persuading him that HP sauce was official Harry Potter merchandise, but he didn't like the taste.
Mel has complained of stress all week, not helped by the roadworks on the school run or the loss of several bulbs to squirrels. She says she needs new stress relief strategies now that her fitness regime includes sticking to the government's alcohol guidelines.
I said I couldn't fix the roads but that I was prepared to buy her an air gun to fix the squirrels. She accused me of short-termism and over-literal thinking. Somewhat chastened I looked on the net after that and the best I could come up with was for her to eat more elderberries, both for the extra antioxidants and their general health giving properties. Nice one Google.
I have finally found the album to get for the car. It's called ‘Now That's What I Used To Call Music 1’ and I only hope it is the first of many.
Brockham Hill School's drive for higher standards continues and they have been turning up the heat on the literacy targets front. We have to do fifteen minutes reading per night per child. This Sat we knocked off three night's worth in one go while we were at Legoland queueing for the Driving School. Next weekend I have suggested we go to Pizza Express at lunchtime and do the same thing in the queue there.
More leaflets on the doormat. I actually like the way the supermarkets keep in touch so regularly - attention to detail always impresses me. I'm not happy about this labelling thing though. Why are they allowed to use descriptions like ‘Extra Virgin’? What does that mean? No one I've asked remembers trying to lose their ‘extra virginity’ as a teenager. And if ‘Extra Virgin’ does mean something, then how about more accuracy elsewhere, such as ‘Secretly Bruised’ pears? We have a New Labour MP who always looks v sympathetic on her leaflets so I might just take the matter further with her.
Our chldn have always been fairly picky eaters and it's been on my list of ‘Problems To Address’ for some time. Unfortunately our carefully structured plan to broaden their diet by introducing them to one new taste per week is not going well. Example from preparing lunch on Sun. I say “Potato” and she says “Pasta”. I say “Tomato” and he says “Yuk”. And yes, they are both keen to call the whole thing off.
More than anything though the chldn are dead keen to have a pet. I am dead against, knowing full well who will have to buy it, feed it, walk it, get pills into it, replace the soft furnishings it shreds or fertilises, then bury it. I know the idea is charming but the reality is starkly different, as Zoe found out when she met a real live pony and was shocked that it was neither purple nor wearing mascara. I'm not a dogmatic person (except when I know I'm right) but I remain immovable.
The planning of the redecorations continues and Mel wants to do the main bathroom in a fully colour co-ordinated style. She swears it's pure coincidence that it's how the Butterworths have theirs. I don't mind but if we're going down that route then I want it done properly with no half measures. I've insisted that we work backwards from the available toilet paper colours.
It really bugs me when people go to all that trouble with their decor and then so clearly overlook this last vital detail. So, armed with colour cards we went to choose the paint in the Household Tissues aisle in Tesco yesterday. I voted for Lavender because then the smell would co-ordinate too but apparently we're going to have Rosepetal.
A good week. Mel got ‘excellent’ for Zoe's English homework and I was home for bedtime four nights out of five, which kept me up with Potter 5. Meanwhile Mel is working through another tester pack of herbal teas - her current fave is lychee and cactus. I think they've got some rubber bands in there as well but she assures me it doesn't taste like it smells.
Jake has seemed reluctant to pick up his recorder recently, which has been a source of some concern to us. So rather than forcing him to play (and risk getting art all mixed up with control issues), we have got him one of those marvellous play-along CD kits with a book of pieces. We chose the Eminem one. Let's hope that convinces him practising can be cool. I think it's better than paying him, which was his solution.
Zoe meanwhile has been working hard on her autobiography and I can only applaud the way she is preparing for success. She has made it quite clear that it is only her first. However we have finally put our foot down and banned the scented gel pens - they were playing havoc with Mel's aromatherapy course.
The two of them have been watching a great deal of television, pretty well all of it awful. More channels but worse programmes seems to be the way forward. I call it ‘dumbing sideways’. I don't suppose the BBC would consider a rolling Blue Peter channel, would they?
We remain determined to guide the two of them through the cultural desert that is modern childhood but since they grew out of Postman Pat all the entertainment aimed at them seems so empty of real value. We encourage them to be selective, but it's a struggle and it distresses me that they seem to enjoy late Tom and Jerry cartoons as much as the early ones. I'm sure they will have better taste sooner if we persist but at the moment it's a thankless, uphill task, much like taking them round the Uffizi was two years ago.
There is a nice house three doors down which you can see right into when they leave their original Victorian shutters open, which is most of the time. It's v tasteful inside and Mel has dubbed them ‘the neighbours from Heals’. The postman tells us that they are called Butterworth; he's some kind of City whizz. They have a nine year old boy called Spencer who goes to St Hugo's, not a quality to recommend him to a Brockham Hill boy like Jake, but I'm hoping with time to get them together.
The area does feel like it is coming up. The disused pub by the station has just reopened - it's now called The Faggot and Firkin. Busy for a Mon and full of well dressed young men. I'll ask if they do Sun lunches.
The warm weather got me out into the garden this weekend and I spent a pleasant morning scouring the lawn with our weapons of moss destruction. I also had a brainwave. We have been looking for a way for the chldn to exercise a little independence but which would also be a low risk activity in a safe environment. Unsupervised weeding seemed to fit the bill nicely, and it was a valuable three minutes that I feel sure we can build on.
Zoe has started redrafting the Beanie Baby Nativity play that was so well received last Xmas and I agree with her that it now has a more mature feel. It also became clear this week that Jake was disastrously miscast as Herod and will take no further part.
Massacres aside he is loving the sense of space and freedom that our garden brings him, and has been throwing himself around like a Boy Scout trying for his Injuries badge. He is also finally using his Early Learning Centre golf set for the purpose which nature intended, i.e. not as a pair of machine guns. He is getting quite good. I praised him to encourage him, but then wished I hadn't when he bet me his pocket money that he could beat me. Parental dilemma: do I try hard to win and effectively rob him, or deliberately lose thus according him false status, positively reinforcing gambling as a habit and ending up out of pocket? I won.
Mel's got big plans for the garden. Unfortunately so do the local foxes who see it as a toilet and general safe haven. To warn them off we are smearing goo made from lion dung on the walls and fences. It does smell pretty bad, but if it doesn't work then I think we should use the infusion M made a few months ago from Chinese tree bark which I remember as smelling far worse.
I've rather taken to the idea of charting our progress and I discussed making a video diary with M. I think the BBC would lap up a piece about the pursuit of excellence in parenting, but she was lukewarm and wants to wait till the redecorations are complete.
The idea really appealed to the director in Zoe though. She was megakeen to capture our lives and filmed us all during Sun lunch. She hasn't quite got the hang of the digicam yet and shot a lot of jumpy footage of the kitchen ceiling, but I think she may have invented a new film genre - the Fly-Trapped-in-a-Light-Fitting documentary.
Found this which amused me. An Australian talking to an American heavy rocker about philosophy. It should have been called “Two prawns discuss what they're going to do with the ocean”. I'm still dumbstruck by how people think celebrities have anything important to say about anything except the pressures of being famous.
M thinks I'm working too hard and wants me to switch to eating lo fat spreads and drinking decaff coffee with skimmed milk in it like she does. I think this qualifies as criticism but she says it's caring. I'll remember that distinction.