Their dick WHAT???

Ho ho.

Actually I'm already getting dubious searches....

No it isn't, it's Wednesday.

My girlfriend called me from her hotel last night, slightly excited about the hugeness of the room she'd been given, less so about the personalised welcoming letter. As a special treat, she read it out for me.

"... if you have any further needs during your stay, do not hesitate to contact my front of house staff, or me, directly, slim as I am."

"What does that mean?"

"What? It's just a standard pompous welcome letter."

"But what's size got to do with it?"

"Eh? Nothing. The room's great, it actually has a small room off it with another two beds. You could have brought the kids."

"So... um, sorry. I just don't get why the hotel manager is offering to help you, but qualifying it with 'slim as I am'. Is that some sort of joke about your room being really huge and needing filling up with fatties to make you feel less lonely or something?"

"Ha! That's his name: Slim Ziame. You twat."

Rassn frassn stupid name.

Pfff. That is a stonker of a name, that.

Like Buffalo Bill Aziz.

Or Hoss ul Haq.

Where on earth was the hotel?

Oh wait...

you mean like Saleem Peekeens?

No, it's 4 REAL, in Blackp**l. I hadn't given much thought to the Tammy-Lou Jaswal nature of the name.

But never mind that, let's continue turning your comment box into a Radio 4 panel show and introduce Madame D'Estrisault and her gynaecologist son Sameer.

Fnar.

Mr and Mrs Update and their helicopter pilot son, Rafiq.

Mr and Mrs Wark-Darling and their actress daughter Lavinia.

Dear me, I apologise. To make up for it, my favourite name-related... thing. Which is the cry of despair that greeted the appearance of perenially unpopular duffer Enrico Annoni from the substitutes bench during an Old Firm match, which Celtic were already losing:

"Aw no, no Annoni oan an aw, noo."

Ooh, I love this game.

Mr & Mrs De Laun and their horticulturalist daughter Mo.

Mr & Mrs Face and their puerile son Poo.

Oh Pete.

Mr & Mrs Meek and their saintly son Blessed Arthur.

(with thanks to I'm sorry i haven't a clue)

Bogue: ? Haven't got that one yet.

Pete: as in, haven't you got a nappy to change. Or is that what prompted you?

*thinks*

Mr and Mrs Bum.

Bogue: just got it. Very good.

Genuine one, and a favorite in America:

Texas governor Big Jim Hogg named his daughter Ima.

Sadly she did not have a sister named Ura. But she should have.

Hello Megan.

That's brilliant. Wasn't he in the Dukes of Hazzard?

I just heard a real one yesterday. Surname Pipe. First name Dwayne.

My mother went to school with someone called Henrietta Shed.

Oh how I wish I could say 'Dukes of Hazzard? I have no idea what humiliating piece of American cultural heritage you reference' but... darn this honesty! Yes, right up there with revivalist preaching and professional wrestling. Sigh.

Mr & Mrs Preene and their rubber-clad hacker son, Neo.

Megan: the D of H are just 70s kitsch now, aren't they? I know everything is repeated forever in the US, but they aren't still running it are they? Mmm. Was it Daisy in the hot pants?

Hg: I see you are putting your leisure to good use.

Mr & Mrs Larm and their annoyingly repetitive, pointless daughter Cara.

Oh, and this is all an intrinsic and valuable part of my voyage of self-discovery, I'll have you know.